The Twelve Days of Christmas –
by ‘Her Indoors’, Rosie Amber & Terry Tyler
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me ~
Two turtle doves…
“Well, thanks a bunch for that one, would you pass the Nurofen? Headache? Yes, I have got a headache, thank you very much. I haven’t had a minute’s peace from their cooing. Coo, coo, coo, all day long, I can’t hear meself think! Cute? Well, yeah. For about five minutes. But ‘cute’ don’t cut the mustard when you’re clearing up bird sh*t, and you could have asked the geezer in the pet shop if he’d got any with a volume control!
I tell you, me nerves are frazzled! I’ve got the window open—you did know I’m allergic to feathers, didn’t you? I’m freezing me bits off—sorry, what’s that? Where are they, you ask? Oh, dearie me, I must have left the cage door open. Whoops-a-daisy! I’m sorry, honest I am. It was an accident; ooh look, there they are, up there….”
And A Partridge in a Pear tree….
“Are you having a laugh? Have you looked out of the window and seen the size of our garden lately? I wouldn’t insult postage stamps! We already have two apple trees, a lilac, and several rose bushes jostling for position with the buddleia— where exactly were you thinking of planting this pear tree? And what do partridges eat? Have you even looked that up? Eh? Eh? Have you? No, I thought not! I don’t like the way it’s staring at me, neither, it’s got a right sneaky look in its eye—oh, great, and now it’s decided to hoover up all the bird food I put out for the sparrows, like an industrial suction machine, no less! And I’m sure the number of cats sitting on the garden fence has doubled, they’ll be doing their business in the garden and all sorts. You just don’t think, do you?”